I am who I am!

As the title of this suggests ~ I am who I am! I will not apoligize to you or anyone else for being me. If you don’t like me or don’t like my opinions or comments, that isn’t any of my concern.

Would you believe….

Would you believe I have 2 blogs?  This one for unhappy and another for happy…Happy doesn’t see to much action.

Random

I’m feeling like a really good cut tonight. So calm….

Drink

I could really go for a drink right now!

A new start

So just because I fell off the wagon last night a little after 48 hrs, I’m ready to begin again.  This time all I need to do is think about that damn hangover I had this morning compared to how I felt yesterday morning.  Yesterday I felt good and bubbly…Today I could have torn anyones head off and jumped on their body!  So good luck to me again.  I can do it!

:( ~

I was probably a little over 48 hrs…I need to restart

Night 1 (01/02/12)

Last night was my first night without a drink.  My goal is to make it through the week without drinking.  I’m not saying I’m going to quit, just cut back.

It was a difficult evening.  I struggled with thinking about having “Just 1” but I know it wouldn’t have been just the 1.  It would have turned into a 2nd and then a 3rd and so on.  I never gave in and made it through the evening.  Yay!

 Just Barb   (@barby1015) has shared a tweet with you

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February 4, 2011 & since…

February 4th 1961 was the day my mother married the sperm donor that got her pregnant with me.  They got marrier in Las Vegas in a quickie ceremony, probably in much the same way I was mistakenly conceived.  Fast forward….

February 4th this year as I left work, I noticed that one of my tires needed air.  I drove to the gas station and put the air in and off I went…destination, Home.  About 10 miles into my drive I heard a loud rolling sound and the car pulling to either the left or right. I don’t remember.  I know what that means, so I pulled over to the side of the freeway during rush hour traffic.  The tire that was flat was the driver’s side and I had stopped on a slight uphill part of the freeway.  I sat in the car and thought no way am I going to change my tire with all these cars whizzing past me at what seemed like the speed of light, plus I’ve also had experience changing a tire on an incline…once you jack up the car, it rolllllllllssssss……… lol.  The answer to the problem was easy… call the CA Highway Patrol and they would call for freeway service for me.  The freeway service tow truck showed up about 10 mins later and put the little donut tire on for me and off I went after thanking the tow truck man. 🙂

Saturday 02/05/2011, I went off to the tire store where of course they told me I needed not 1 tire, but 2 front tires.  Ok I said and sat down in the waiting area.  My car was ready about an hour later.  This is where my downhill for the year began.  I pulled out my ATM card to pay the charges.  It was about $270.  The day before when I checked my bank my account had a 4 digit balance, so I was supprised when my card was declined!  WTH?!  I called my bank and the recording said I was overdrawn!  How did that happen???  My only other option was to call my mom and ask for her credit card number.  My parents are in no way paupers; they have helped me out from time to time in the past.  It’s not something I expect them to do; to bail me out all the time.  So while I was at the counter in the tire store on the phone with my mother, she began yelling at me.  This is nothing new to me…she’s a very bitter woman and acted as if I had asked for thousands of dollars instead of $270.  The man at the counter could hear her yelling thru the phone, the customers behind me could hear her yelling…it was absolutly humiliating!!  I was sobbing with embarassment in front of all these people in the store.  And this was the last straw……

Crying all afternoon after my mom said the most ugly things to me…I got out the knife and went to work on my left forearm.  To this day, I still want to tattoo these scares as rememberance to what she did and to never ever let her get me to that point again.  I was suicidal. I posted pics of what I did to my arm on FB. Most likely a subconcious cry for help; because the next thing I knew, my psychiatrist was burning my cell minutes trying to get me to commit myself to a psychiatric treatmet program.  I was going to, but never followed thru.  Thus began the pattern to let loose all of my feelings instead of bottling them up.

I started drinking after 6 years of sobriety.  I started smoking everynight instead of once in a while.  But most important was to rid myself of the toxin that drove me to that point.  I haven’t seen or talked to the woman that birthed me all those years ago that never wanted me in the first place.

 

 

Christmas Day

Tags

self help books

Well, christmas came and went.  Thank god its over! 

Christmas eve my dad came over with a gift all wrapped.  I could tell it was a book. He likes to get me self help books autographed by the author.  It was the only gift I received.  I didn’t open the gift until about 1 or 2 in the afternoon on christmas day.  Surprisingly, it was a book! Titled: Healing the Addicted Brain with a post it note on it that said after I read the book I’d get a “Franklin”.                                                                                                           

I got a few gifts to give my dad and aunt and put some thought into it to get them some nice gifts, but I my efforts were wasted.

Christmas day was long, lonely and boring.  Thank god its finally over!!!